i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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