first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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