I wish my penis had an off switch
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
