I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
