I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
