Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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