Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
