You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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