thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
