real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
