wrigley field is MILF paradise
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
