I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
