There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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