so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
