so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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