my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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