Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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