My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
