but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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