Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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