ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
