Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
