Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
