if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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