i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
