You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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