Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
