i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
