I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
