I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
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did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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