My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it was like eating out sand paper
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
