a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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