Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
