sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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