what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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