My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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