Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
