she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
