its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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