i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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