You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
