The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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