I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
