Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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