you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
