I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
