The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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