I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
