Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
