At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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