I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
