he told me I talked like a deaf person
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
is that a dick in a sweater?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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