12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
