I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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