She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
