I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
